Part One: Becoming a Mother, The Early Days

A series of soft reflections on love, intimacy, and opening the heart

Staring at myself in the fogged mirror I’ve rubbed clear with my hand I wonder:

“Do I look different?”

Does internal transformation always make its external mark upon us?

I have a crimson stye on my left eye, stitches in my nether regions, and in general, the blood and inflammation of giving birth are still with me. Though the smell of blood has faded away, the reminder of “this life and death moment” is still with me.

But could you tell if you passed me on the street?

Probably not.

My friend asks:  “Is your heart blasted wide open?”

I pause to feel.

Becoming a parent, a mother, does it always blast one’s heart wide open? 

What if it doesn’t for me?

Opening to love requires conquering fear and anxiety for many of us. Have you met your own fears preventing your from opening your heart wide as you’ve fallen in love?  Is it always easy to fall in love?  Hell, no!

In the ‘falling in love’ we meet so much of our own fear and resistance…and isn’t motherhood the same?

Watching rain on the window pane, a tiny hand lays across my heart.  I’ve welcomed a stranger into my home, and yet I know her well.  But she is new here.  New to us.  We were once two people and now there is a third.

And sometimes at night my bones ache for the touch and caress of my Beloved, and I look down and there is the tiny hand again on my chest. The aching softens for a moment.  And it is a beautiful ache, where pain and pleasure meet.

Have you ever felt so loved in a moment, so cared for, so full, that loss and grief are also very present?

I turned to my partner in bed with tears dripping out the corners of my eyes onto the pillow…

“It’s scary to love this much.”  I admit.

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Stay tuned for Part 2 on Tuesday…Also, my new book DARE TO FEEL: THE TRANSFORMATIONAL PATH OF THE HEART comes out January 16th with Sounds True! Pre-order it here and support my work. Means a lot to me as an author. Thank you.