I wrote a poem on a similar wavelength a few weeks ago and called it "mammal poem" -- intimacy is just all the most potential for beauty creation and depth yet so flattened or distorted, into fake surfacey exploitation or into extreme violence. It's really mind boggling and heart breaking. The brainwashing we're up against is profound. I wonder how and when and where, collectively, the mind and body and spirit can reconcile. And just the human-ness to be whole. I hear you 🫶🏼 & love you Alexandra ❤️ thank you always for your unique perspective and honesty.
"There is porn. There is Hollywood. Where are people seeing or hearing the real thing?" Nailed it! My personal sex scene pet peeve is the simultaneous orgasm. Vanishingly rare, yet ubiquitous on screen because it's narratively neat.
Most people don't even realize how much they're unconsciously emulating the rote, sterile, or problematic sex in the media, or holding themselves to its standards. Particularly for straight/cis people, they just think that's what sex is because nothing else has been modeled for them. Then discussions about it are riddled with shame and euphemisms.
I'm frequently grateful for my stint as a sex educator, and how early in my adulthood I unlearned all that garbage. I still love recommending porn sites that feature real couples, which eschew the toxic tropes and show genuine affection. People will always watch porn, and it can actually address this problem.
Most people don't even realize how much they're unconsciously emulating the rote, sterile, or problematic sex in the media, or holding themselves to its standards.
I agree with a lot of this, but I think saying that for sex to be real it has to be super messy every single time is sort of the other end of the extreme and that honestly would feel performative to me too. The point is, what is real in the moment is usually different from time to time, and even the focus on orgasm is kind of causing more issues with orgasms and pleasure than just being truly present. I have chased orgasms my entire life and would often have 10+ within one night, but it never actually felt like enough.
In my current sexual relationship, I very much started that way, but my love has this amazing way of being so completely present that he would pull me back into the moment and he slowed everything down so much that I suddenly became aware of how much I could feel in those moments that felt ‘boring’ to me my whole life, the moments between orgasms. It was a little weird, I would still orgasm every time, but it didn’t feel as intense, yet I felt more satisfied. And after every single time, I would feel every cell in my body vibrating and just so alive in a way I had never been aware of before.
Then there was a time when I just fucking wept the entire time, didn’t even have an orgasm, and felt so incredibly vulnerable that I almost completely ran away from it all. It was a reflection of something I didn’t know how to ask him about, but when I finally acknowledged my own fears in this beautiful connection he opened up in ways I had never really experienced a man open up before.
Cue the next time we have sex, and all of it, the entire thing felt like one, long, drawn out orgasm. From the first caress to the moment we untangled our bodies. It was not performative, but it was also never a goal. It just happened through releasing some things, letting each in more. I’m sure there will be some more messy sex in the not too distant future.
We do grunt and sweat and bite and claw though and I have been known to feel the absolute need for a guttural scream into a pillow (cause I don’t think the neighbours would appreciate hearing the animal side of me), but there is also tenderness and gentleness and softness too. It’s the contrasts and layers that all feel amazing.
I also think what happens during sex is a symptom of a bigger problem - that we spend almost every minute of every day unconsciously performing in every interaction we have and watching people around us perform, and much of the rest of the time, we’re watching someone perform on a screen.
Love this share and openness! I am not saying all orgasms need to be any kind of way. The issue is when the ONLY ones we see in pop culture fall into the category other of "short, tidy, and pretty." Some orgasms are short, tidy and pretty! But there is just a MUCH wider spectrum I wish young women especially could be exposed to.
yes yes yes. this is so important. i'm also so very over the single shot sex scene where it's all over in 60 seconds with no sense of time passing and the illusion that they've both had an orgasm in that time. hollywood needs to do better 🖤
I wrote a poem on a similar wavelength a few weeks ago and called it "mammal poem" -- intimacy is just all the most potential for beauty creation and depth yet so flattened or distorted, into fake surfacey exploitation or into extreme violence. It's really mind boggling and heart breaking. The brainwashing we're up against is profound. I wonder how and when and where, collectively, the mind and body and spirit can reconcile. And just the human-ness to be whole. I hear you 🫶🏼 & love you Alexandra ❤️ thank you always for your unique perspective and honesty.
Fabulous piece. Thank you.
“The sacred and the animal are not opposites. The body is not the obstacle to transcendence. It is the vehicle. The feral is the holy.” Yes 👏🏻
"There is porn. There is Hollywood. Where are people seeing or hearing the real thing?" Nailed it! My personal sex scene pet peeve is the simultaneous orgasm. Vanishingly rare, yet ubiquitous on screen because it's narratively neat.
Most people don't even realize how much they're unconsciously emulating the rote, sterile, or problematic sex in the media, or holding themselves to its standards. Particularly for straight/cis people, they just think that's what sex is because nothing else has been modeled for them. Then discussions about it are riddled with shame and euphemisms.
I'm frequently grateful for my stint as a sex educator, and how early in my adulthood I unlearned all that garbage. I still love recommending porn sites that feature real couples, which eschew the toxic tropes and show genuine affection. People will always watch porn, and it can actually address this problem.
Yes. 100%! Especially this:
Most people don't even realize how much they're unconsciously emulating the rote, sterile, or problematic sex in the media, or holding themselves to its standards.
🙏🏾✨
yassssss!!!! we need to catch up our film about this and female ej accusation is getting out Tinto the world...love you.
yes we DOOOOOOOO — love u too sister !
I agree with a lot of this, but I think saying that for sex to be real it has to be super messy every single time is sort of the other end of the extreme and that honestly would feel performative to me too. The point is, what is real in the moment is usually different from time to time, and even the focus on orgasm is kind of causing more issues with orgasms and pleasure than just being truly present. I have chased orgasms my entire life and would often have 10+ within one night, but it never actually felt like enough.
In my current sexual relationship, I very much started that way, but my love has this amazing way of being so completely present that he would pull me back into the moment and he slowed everything down so much that I suddenly became aware of how much I could feel in those moments that felt ‘boring’ to me my whole life, the moments between orgasms. It was a little weird, I would still orgasm every time, but it didn’t feel as intense, yet I felt more satisfied. And after every single time, I would feel every cell in my body vibrating and just so alive in a way I had never been aware of before.
Then there was a time when I just fucking wept the entire time, didn’t even have an orgasm, and felt so incredibly vulnerable that I almost completely ran away from it all. It was a reflection of something I didn’t know how to ask him about, but when I finally acknowledged my own fears in this beautiful connection he opened up in ways I had never really experienced a man open up before.
Cue the next time we have sex, and all of it, the entire thing felt like one, long, drawn out orgasm. From the first caress to the moment we untangled our bodies. It was not performative, but it was also never a goal. It just happened through releasing some things, letting each in more. I’m sure there will be some more messy sex in the not too distant future.
We do grunt and sweat and bite and claw though and I have been known to feel the absolute need for a guttural scream into a pillow (cause I don’t think the neighbours would appreciate hearing the animal side of me), but there is also tenderness and gentleness and softness too. It’s the contrasts and layers that all feel amazing.
I also think what happens during sex is a symptom of a bigger problem - that we spend almost every minute of every day unconsciously performing in every interaction we have and watching people around us perform, and much of the rest of the time, we’re watching someone perform on a screen.
Love this share and openness! I am not saying all orgasms need to be any kind of way. The issue is when the ONLY ones we see in pop culture fall into the category other of "short, tidy, and pretty." Some orgasms are short, tidy and pretty! But there is just a MUCH wider spectrum I wish young women especially could be exposed to.
yes yes yes. this is so important. i'm also so very over the single shot sex scene where it's all over in 60 seconds with no sense of time passing and the illusion that they've both had an orgasm in that time. hollywood needs to do better 🖤