The Heroine's Journey of the Female Erotic Life

From the Deep Healing to the Reclamation

After writing my piece The Magic of Midlife Female Sexuality I had some great conversations in private with a few women, and with my partner too, that had me wanting to go deeper on this subject. So I will!

For context, one thing I wanted to point out, is that for me I am in the newness of moving into midlife (I am 40) and transitioning from an archetypal maiden phase of sexuality to a mother one. I am still in a place of discovery and have many years ahead that I will still consider to be “midlife.”

Professionally, I have worked with many mothers and women, from the age of 18 to 70 in my coaching practice and have witnessed the incredible journeys of women healing and unveiling their sexuality and erotic potential at all ages.

One client comes to mind, with whom I worked with for four years, she was a VP of a major international media company, had three boys, two of whom were teens, and a husband of twenty years. She landed in my practice ready to remember who she was an erotic woman, not a mother, not a wife, not a VP. And she did! She slowly peeled off her proverbial blazer and pumps and softened into a pile of mush until she found the erotic emotional creature awaiting her under a hardened shell. She found such a goddess underneath all that and began to tend to her with love and devotion.

I’ve heard the whisperings and shouts of many a woman over the years revealing the different iterations of this heroine's journey into erotic potential and rebirth later in life.

Here are a few things I have seen…

If a woman hasn’t explored her sexuality, or been adventurous in her youth or maiden phase, at midlife she will likely feel a strong urge to do so. This could look like exploring in retreats and workshops. Or picking up an erotic book. Or taking a lover. Or going to a sex party.

I am thinking of another woman who came through my practice who was married for ten years, divorced, had never slept with anyone else, and needed some time to have a few lovers, to practice saying what she desired, exploring her edges, and not “wifing” up fast, so to speak. She did just that. She felt after two lovers that she preferred monogamy, and began dating a man she fell in love with.

On the flip side, if a woman has been more exploratory, or less committed in relationships, her erotic exploration may now mean commitment, monogamy, and the erotic revealing of the depths of her heart and soul with one person.

The energy BEHIND any of those life choices will be the most important, woman to woman. The choices themselves don’t matter too much. It’s the “come from” that does.

As we explore our erotic inner and outer worlds, we get to ask:

Where is this desire coming from?

Erotic desire can come from a GREAT many places within us…

There are some desires born from shadows of addiction, or needing love, or needing sex in order to feel worthy or seen. For some women, the desire for monogamy could come from the shadow of repression of the wild desires hidden in a box within. Or it could come fro pure love and devotion. Or a beautiful mix. This is NOT to be judged. This is part of the sacred process.

How would you know what is happening in the depth of your psyche and soul if you didn’t look into the mirror of the desires that have emerging from said depths and breathe into them, allowing them to rise consciously?

Desires in the erotic life born of compulsion, or denial, or fawning, or performing, or self abandoning, or over giving can now be brought to forward to be massaged, and held, and transformed.

The thing is…I have yet to meet a woman who hasn’t been through something difficult in her sexual or erotic life. And so, as you open to greater eros within yourself, these things will inevitably rise to be examined, burned away, or cleared as the new emergence reveals itself. Many woman don’t open at all to their desires, because the buried pains of the past sit in a tightly wound ball or storage vault at the bottom of her being. A woman may harden to hold it all in, to survive, doing the best she can, and the emotions and desires create numbness or hardness, as they get cast into the shadows, longing to be expressed. But to express them would mean to express and face the pain, the shame, the guilt, and fear— from whatever has transpired before. This is energetically expensive work. But fucking gorgeous work. It is soul art. It is truth. And yet, it can be scary and likely no one taught us how to do it.

Whatever the deeper material is, it will all lay buried within until opened, revealed and expressed consciously. Or it will leak out, spilling over into places, and causing havoc along the way.

The best place to do this is with a group of trusted women. I recommend a group versus one therapist because the witnessing from other women—the mirroring, the love, the tears—is part of the process of healing and feeling a belonging that transcends identity and experience. If the erotic reclamation involves investigating or feeling the residue and pain from trauma or abuse, I do think one-on-one work is very helpful. But it is not the end stop on the road. Being in community with other women, crying, laughing, singing, dancing, and holding each other as we heal and reveal is essential. Whether you are leaving a marriage, facing childhood abuse, or finally honoring your bisexuality, it will be a journey. And you won’t want to do it alone.

Eventually as you let yourself be seen as this new you, with this integration present, you will be able to source your desire from the depths of your womb, cervix, AND heart. You will feel the difference between desires born from pain and shadow or addiction, and the desire that comes from your soul depths. It doesn’t mean the desire will be more “pure” from your soul or deepest womb. It may be just as deliciously freaky. But you can trust it is born from deep YOU, not as a reaction to trauma, or a byproduct of society’s conditioning. And unpicking that weave takes time and practice. It also can come down to brain chemistry, which you can read about in the brilliant book Come as You Are. And again, I recommend Jaiya’s Erotic Blueprints as a sweet way to know yourself erotically from the outside in.

But diving inside FIRST to know yourself is the most delicious, in my opinion, diving into your psyche and soma and soul, and feeling the question…

What do I most desire?

This will come through in dreams, art, writing, daydreams, with psychedelics, in liminal spaces, breath work, sacred spaces, sensual movement — wherever your conditioning can be set aside and the deeper whispers from your depths can be heard.

And if, when you go in there, to those depths, and begin to listen to the deeper whispers, there is a bucket of watery grief and a trunk of hot rage locked in a box, you are not alone. This is the next part of your journey that is essential to revealing your deeper erotic self.

There may be deep healing that is necessary. I don’t want to shock you here, so take a deep breath, but the statistics around sexual assault and women are shocking, They are devastating. And so that means, that most women who desire to reclaim their erotic lives and sexual selves will be doing trauma healing in order to get there. (*The stats are here and here. Please only open those links if you have space to feel. They may bring about a large wave of grief or rage.)

We live in a world that is very sick erotically as a whole. This is why we have to dive within, open up the box of shame, of rage, and feel it, approach it with love, and not ignore it. Because otherwise our daughters will feel this heaviness, sense the invisible baggage, or the “no go zones” and this will create fear in them. As we heal we feel our power, our strength, and claim our truth.

I am just beginning the journey of mothering a daughter. It is beautiful and frightening and I am turning towards other mothers for guidance, and I pray everyday for all the children, and especially the little girls, and the teen girls, to feel safe in their bodies.

And, even though I am devastated by this world in many ways does this mean I should not claim my own erotic self? No. Absolutely not. You and I have every right to live in the divine expression of our eros.

My reclamation, and yours, occur in our own safe spaces, in the queen’s lair, in a partner’s arms, and alone in a soft sweet bed, and in the privacy of the mind, heart, and womb. And with other women. This is why safe spaces for women are essential. There is still so much healing to be done. There is so much reclaiming still to be done. There is so much safety we still are creating.

Many women find this journey to be daunting, and don’t tread there at all. Many women find distractions, stay busy with kids, and work, and their bodies become more foe than friend. It is understandable. Life is full, busy, intense. How could we prioritize such a thing as this? But, we must. And we do by diving into the body, doing the work, feeling, listening, staying present, and not giving up on our erotic potential as women. Take breaks, yes. Don’t rush, yes. Sometimes say, “Fuck this. I can’t do it!” But then come back again. It is a practice. Again, community is key. Doing it alone can feel so daunting. Find a women’s circle you trust. Make art. Write. Dance. Cry. Do ritual.

And remember the deep healing makes way for the juicy pleasure, the erotic fullness that I mentioned in my last piece, that is there too. Don’t give up on discovering and uncovering it. It is all part of the journey.

As the world feels more chaotic, let us put wombs to earth, and feet on earth, and crack hearts and wombs open, as we stay here strong and present for our children, fully embodied, alive as the deep prayer to the holiest parts of us, which are all parts of us.

Blessed be.